It's been a long time since I've updated my blog. I just have no idea of what am I going to write in here because I just don't know how to pick out the best one from memories because there are too many of them to be told.
And I don't think I will tell you all of them today because honestly, I'm not in the mood to write anything here. So sorry...
Actually, I don't know what's happening to me today. This is all because of jealousy and envy. It's not a brilliant idea to have these feelings within ourselves. However, most people argued that we can be envy toward other people for the sake of knowledge, meaning to say for the means of studies. This is because they think that being envy toward others' cleverness and intelligent can be sorts of motivation to us in order to improve our studies skills and also to push us to make not just big but ginormous efforts to become the most excellent person in the future.
But I don't think I'll get motivated when I heard people around me (my friends) keep talking about my other friends' cleverness. Right now i could still feel the power of envy is controlling me and it's too powerful until I can hardly try to get rid of it. No matter how much I try to throw away this feeling, I know I won't be able to do so. I'm too weak and feeling envy or jealous toward another person who is higher than me (in terms of intelligence) is one of my main weaknesses. I cannot easily accept the fact that anybody is cleverer than me even I know that I will never get myself into the high level.
Astaghfirullah... what am I thinking. Of course as a Muslim, I mustn't at all let the feelings conquer me. But, what should I do then? I cannot just blindly accept the fact that there are people out there who are much more intelligent than me without doing anything right? But, the fact is I haven't done anything yet but crying is my most favorite thing to do when I am frustrated. Be in mind ya that I'm not upset with those clever people but I'm so dissapointed with myself. Why can't I be like them? Why can't I learn from their abilities? And the more specifiq question is how can't my English language as powerful as theirs? Why? Why? Why? I love reading novels and I do read English novels a lot and usually I'll also write my journals in English. Everyday I learn new vocabularies but still my English is at the same level. It never changes. Hmmm..... I really feel like I want to cry.
May Allah give me some strengths to go through all my life here with those clever people. And please don't think I just sit here and do nothing. Insya Allah I'll figure out something that can increase my spirit to proceed my studies here.
I shall stop now. There are lots of things to do in my room. Some preparations must be done before I attend the lectures tomorrow.
ps, I'll update my blog at least once in a week.