How do you feel when you really want to get something, but you didn't?
How do you feel when you really want to do your best in something, but you couldn't?
How do you feel when you know that you have really tried your hard to be the best in everything,
but you hadn't?
It really hurts and I'm feeling it right now.
Today was my first paper of sem 1, 2012/2013 final exam and it was like the sky is falling down and hitting my head. The world has become so dark until I can barely see things around me. Everything seems to be nothing for me anymore.
Why I always can't do my best in every subject that I love the most?
In this case, I think I failed. I failed to answer the last question in my Semantics exam terribly. I really feel that I'm the most stupid English major student in the whole wide world. I'm stupid for not knowing the meaning of a simple word like "halt" in which all BENL students are supposed to know. I feel so embarrassed; feeling embarrassed of own stupidity. You know what I wrote in my paper, the meaning of "halt?" I wrote there, "endanger." Astaghfirullah... how do you think how stupid I was. O Allah, why am I so stupid???
(I'm not stupid, it's just that I'm still not really in the learning process yet)
I had lost 16 marks so easily due to my lack of knowledge of English vocabulary. I realise that my mom has always advised me to read English books more often but I was so stubborn. I keep on reading Malay novels instead and alas that was the result of my stubbornness. (I'm so sorry mak for not listening to your advice)
I walked out from the exam hall with a gloomy face until no one would want to greet. I responded to Kak Yusfa's SMS asking how was my first paper. After telling her the truth, I said I wanted to go to the tasik. But then I realised that I had no strength to walk there all by myself under the bright Mr. Sunshine, then I just decided to rest my mind in the masjid instead. As I reached there, I laid down as I usually do. Resting my mind and calming down my heart. There, I found peace... yup... I could feel it, deep down inside... spiritually, Allah and I communicated through our telepathy.
I poured my heart out to Him and He's all hearing. I was sad. My tears streaming down my cheeks without stopping and no one there wiping them for me but Him. Only Him. I cried and cried and cried as often as I wanted to and He never stopped me. I felt so peaceful.
I know I was being tested by Allah. I know there was hikmah behind this test. But I could see it after I finished my paper. When I poured out everything to Him, then I started to realize that my failure of answering the last question was first; due to my stubbornness of listening to my mother's advice, and second; because of my own mistake for not taking the course seriously. To me, I failed to be a good BENL student who should by now have mastered the language, in terms of writing it properly and speaking it fluently like my other colleagues. Seriously, suddenly I feel like I shouldn't be doing this course in the first place but why did Allah fate me to be in this course (be a BENL student), there must be a reason. Tap! Something knocked my head. I was awake! Yup! There was it! Allah wanted me to learn. Learn what? Learn from my own mistake.
Do you know that when this kind of phenomena happens to us, it doesn't really mean that we had failed? It's just that we haven't succeed just yet. Why did Allah fate it to be that way is because He still wants us to struggle more because when we know we didn't make it to reach our goal, we'll not stop struggling until we do and most importantly, He wants us to renew our niyyah-struggle for the sake of Him, not blindly for passing the exam only. Hmm... and this among the precious lesson I had learned from His tarbiyyah today. Alhamdulillah.
So, kawan-kawan, before I stop, let me share with some pieces of my thoughts.
"Let by gone be by gone."
"There's no such thing as we fail, it's just that we still haven't succeed yet."
"Struggle until our our last breath."
"Berjihad adalah kerana Allah, bukan kerana selain-Nya."
These simple thoughts of mine I'm sharing them with you because this is how I become motivated each day after I had been tested by Him with the unimaginable tests. When I thought back, it's good to be tested sometimes because Allah had clearly mentioned in His Love Letter:
"Do they think that they will be left alone on saying, 'We believe and that they will not be tested'? For sure we will test them as we have tested those who came before them, to show(them) the truthful of the honest and the liars in their falsehood." (Quran 29:2-3)
We will be tested! We will be tested and itu adalah suatu kepastian!