since the last two days, fear has started controlling my mind. the scary thing is this feeling seems increasing and increasing day by day. i don't know why is this happening to me. right after one of my good friends asked me some weird questions, i started get this strong bad feelings. may Allah protect me.
it was Fatt, actually. he was the one one asked me about the odd questions and the questions made me keep thinking about them every day. i don't want to but my mind controls everything. if it doesn't want to think about it, it won't. however, if there is something related to my family or my friends, automatically i'll set my mind to think about it regularly. until my emotions are affected. unconsciously, i will turn moody and doesn't got the feeling to talk to someone after all.
i am not blaming him for asking those kind of questions. on the other hand, what makes me worry is that he doesn't want to tell me why did he ask such questions to me. until now, i am still curious to know what is he facing right now. what makes he tent to ask me the questions.
during our conversation through instant message (yahoo messenger), we were talking about something else in the first place. a few minutes later, he suddenly asked me:
fatt: zimah, can i ask you something? but you have to be honest answering the questions.
me: insya Allah. i'll try to give the best answer for your questions.
fatt: if i am only given five days to stay alive, what would you do?
me: hmmm, i think i'll try to spend my time with you until you had return to Him.
fatt: ok. if only, at the same time, there is other friend who needs you. which of us will you choose?
me: if i am given the opportunity, i'll choose to be with both of you but if i am not given any options, i'll help the friend who i love more.
fatt: within family and friends, which one do you think is the most important to you?
me: of course my family. it's because my family is always with me since i was in infant until now, during my sadness or happiness, they will always be by my side. unlike friends, who sometimes will come to us and sometimes they will leave. they cannot stay with us for 24 hours like family does.
fatt: actually, i know you are going to give me those answers. i just want to confirm it.
okay, you got the picture, right? how would you feel when someone, especially someone you are closed to asking you those questions yet he/she refused to tell you the reasons for their action? angry? mad? sad? upset? worry? curious? trust me, you will feel so... i have no idea or should i say you will feel like you wanna beat him/her or something until he/she agree to tell you? if you're about to do so, believe me, it's not gonna work. i begged him for many times, but... well, you know what i mean.
but, my mind keeps telling me that there must be something why would fatt asking me those questions and the worrier thing is perhaps this is related to his health? a big question mark began to fall on top of my head. is he sick? is he suffering for any kind of bad diseases? na'udhubillah. may Allah bless him always.
insya Allah, no matter what, i'll always support him. i never forget to pray for my friends. although he refused to share with me about his hindrances, insya Allah, someday i'll get the answer. for now, i should give him time and space for himself until he is ready to explain every thing to me. i trust him (even not 100%) but insya Allah, i'm still his friend and he knows he can't make his friends keep awaiting him.
DO WHAT YOU LOVE
"Do what you love and you'll be good at it. Sounds simple enough. But what if you love reading comics, playing video games and watching korean dramas until your eyes pop out? Is it possible to make a career out of such things? What's the alternative? Spend all your time wishing you were brave enough to take that leap? Don't let fear stop you from doing what you love. Because ultimately, it's about being true to yourself."